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Engineer's Jokes
Moderator(s): Rogelio G. Reyes
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Have you been in India? 1 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority nice
by R. Reyes
Thursday, 29 December 2016
Who designed the human body? 2 R. Reyes 3 engineers in the wash room. after doing their thing.1. the civil engineer, wash his hands with soap and said "we civil engineers are more concerned with hygiene and make sure our hands are clean".2. the electrical engineer, wash his hands with soap and take lots of tissue paper to dry his hands and said "we electrical engineers are the same but we make sure our hands are totally clean".3. the mechanical engineer never wash his hands and said "we mechanical engineers don't pee on our hands".
by N. Cepriaso, Advanced Vision E/M Co.
Sunday, 18 December 2016
Screw 1 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority That's a nice joke, hahaha...good
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Saturday, 9 April 2016
Never Mess with a Mechanical Engineer 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority A Mechanical Engineer was not getting a job even after two years after passing the board exams.....so he decided to open a clinic (Yes, on trial on error basis we can do this too..) and wrote outside the clinic: Any treatment in Php 300.00 & if we can't treat, we will pay you back Php1,000.00. A clever Doctor thought he will make the engineer a fool and comes to do fraud & thinking to get Php 1,000.00. He says to the Engineer: I can't feel any taste on my tongue. The Engineer asks the Nurse to put a few drops of medicine from box no 22. After that the Doctor shouts: "What the @&%!$*=!, it's URINE!! The Engineer says, "Congratulations, your sense of taste is back now.  The clever Doctor was angry as he lost Php 300. After 2 weeks, the same doctor comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous Php 300 too. Doctor : I've lost my memory. Engineer: Nurse! Please put some drops of medicine from Box No. 22 on his tongue. Doctor : Wait, Engineer, but that medicine is for sense of taste. Engineer: Congratulations, your memory is back. So basically the Doctor earned two life-lessons, Urine tastes like shit and Never mess with Engineers. Never.
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Flight Engineer 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority An Engineer designs his first aircraft and invites all his teachers from State University for inauguration functions.  It was decided that the first tour will be done with professors only and from that day on, fear began to creep up in the members of the faculty. Therefore, on inauguration day, no professor was ready to board the plane and every one was afraid that it will crash once it is in flight. But the Dean of the College of Engineering went ahead, boarded the plane and didn't show any signs of fear. This made all other professors curious so one went ahead and from the door, he asked the Dean, "Don't you care for your life? Do you really think that this plane will safely take off and land again?" The Dean calmly replied, "I have full confidence on my student, This plane won't even start."
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Clever Engineer 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority A mathematician and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The mathematician leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.  The mathematician persists and explains that the game is real easy and lots of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The mathematician, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"  This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The mathematician asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"  The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the mathematician. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the mathematician "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The mathematician looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers all to no avail.  After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.  The mathematician then hits the engineer, saying, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The engineer calmly pulls out his wallet, hands the mathematician five bucks, and goes back to sleep.
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
An Engineer and a Manager 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more." The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Sibling Engineers 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority Father: I have 4 sons: 1st - Mechanical Engineer  2nd - Civil Engineer  3rd - Chemical Engineer  4th - Thief.   Neighbor - Why don't you throw your 4th son out of the house?   Father : He is the only one EARNING in the house, the rest are jobless !!!    Hahaha!!!
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Smart Ass Engineers 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority When US Air Force test pilots fly experimental aircraft and something goes wrong, they write up a report in the aircraft's maintenance log.  An engineer looks at the report, fixes the problem and writes a response for the pilot before the next flight.  Here are some memorable ones:   Pilot:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineer: Almost replaced left inside main tire.   Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineer: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.   Pilot: Something loose in cockpit. Engineer: Something tightened in cockpit.   Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineer: Live bugs on back-order.   Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineer: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.   Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineer:  Evidence removed.   Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud. Engineer: DME volume set to more believable level.   Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Engineer: That's what friction locks are for.   Pilot: IFF [Identify Friend or Foe transponder] inoperative. Engineer: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.   Pilot: Mouse in cockpit. Engineer: Cat installed.   Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineer: Suspicion confirmed.   Pilot: Number 3 engine missing. Engineer: Number 3 engine found on right wing after brief search.
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Coming Out of Retirement 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
Heaven in Hell 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a  pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: “Hey buddy, how’s it goin' down there?” Satan snickered back, “Things are going great actually. We’ve got air  conditioning, flush toilets, escalators and the works. Hell, there’s no telling what this engineer guy is gonna come up  with next.” God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have been sent there; send him back up.” To which Satan replied, “No way dude. I like having an engineer on staff, I’m keepin' him.” God retorted, “Send him up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs loudly and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you gonna find a lawyer?”
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Thursday, 18 February 2016
I Studied Mechanical Engineering 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority Please see attached.
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
The Missing Engineer's Wife 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority A mechanical engineer went to police station for filing report for his missing wife: Engineer : I lost my wife (Christine), she went for shopping and still not reached home yet.  Inspector: What is her height?  Engineer: I never noticed.  Inspector: Slim or healthy?  Engineer: Not slim can be healthy.  Inspector: Color of eyes?  Engineer: Never noticed.  Inspector: Color of hair?  Engineer: Changes according to season.  Inspector: What was she wearing?  Engineer: Dress/suit/ I don’t remember exactly!  Inspector: Was she going in a car?  Engineer: Yes!  Inspector : Tell me the number, name and color of the car.  Engineer: Sir, it was a Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6  engine, generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic  automatic transmission with manual mode and it has full LED headlights,  which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very  thin scratch on the front left door and then the engineer started  crying… Inspector: Lets search for the car!   Hahaha. The husband knows more of the car than his wife. LOL  
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
A Mechanical Engineer and a Cardiologist 0 S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority A mechanical engineer was  removing a cylinder head from the engine of a BMW M3 when he spotted a  well-known cardiologist. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the engineer shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?” The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the engineer was working on the motorcycle. The engineer straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine.I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced  anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished,  it worked just like new. So how is that I make $30,000 a year and you  make $2M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?” The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and then whispered to the engineer…. “Try doing it with the engine running.”      Hahaha!
by S. AMAD, Philippine Statistics Authority
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer 1 R. Reyes Good Afternoon Sir!In reality, you can reflect the attitudes of those guys mentioned in the joke, attitudes that seems very familiar in our society, friends and others assembly. I do appreciates the priest and the doctor towards the scenario.Thanks for posting this simple joke.Cheers!Ronald
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Saturday, 25 July 2015
Take what you want 1 R. Reyes Good Choice! hahaha...nice post Sir! I like it, simple but says something deeply.Cheers!Ronald
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Friday, 24 July 2015
Talking frog 1 R. Reyes Hi Sir!I wonder, where did you get all those jokes? You have those...nice post to learn.In reality, some of our guys or colleagues are fond of temptations especially here in abroad but some of them are very straight forward and focus on the job. The story refer to this kind of situation. On the other hand, having humbly at all times, politely, dress neatly, treat others kindly, pray attentively, donate generously and may the almighty GOD bless us and protect us. Cheers!Ronald
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Friday, 24 July 2015
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... 1 R. Reyes Hahaha...funny things...eggs means zero or nothing. The husband bought 6 cartoons of milk emptied, he is a good follower, won't you?Cheers!Ronald
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Friday, 24 July 2015
A software developer, a hardware engineer and a mid-level manager 1 R. Reyes Thanks for the post again, Sir, Actually, I have nothing to do in this week break from Ramadan that's why I keep reading all insights at PSME.org.ph and that's the reason how I can became MASTER LEVEL 2 PSME POINTS including all in the forum, thank to the PSME National for bringing this PSME website anew and networking capabilities amongst PSME Members. Going back to your post, in reality, that's happening always specially on practice. A lesson learned might individual have a CLEAR MIND and WISDOM in solving problems accurately.Cheers!Ronald
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Friday, 24 July 2015
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician 1 R. Reyes So good! How pity the Engineer seems he doesn't think all about, but appreciate the two-guys where they use their mind before they decide in looking-up the situations.Furthermore, in reality those three scenarios are happening in our life or even to the government itself.Thanks for sharing.Cheers!Ronald
by R. Gomeseria, ARCADIS/Hyder Consulting
Wednesday, 22 July 2015